While driving to work one day (in my 2 door car with no baby seat) it hit me.  I’m edging closer to 30, I’m still single and I’m perfectly ok with that.  In the middle of the night last week, I received a  text from a friend who was pregnant the last time we spoke.  Earlier that hot afternoon she went into labor and had her baby, then she sent me a picture of the 8 pound whopper.  The next morning I woke up and while I was completely happy for her peace, I realized I’m not ready for that.  I don’t have a husband or a support system in place in my city to enable me to throw caution to the wind for love. Those rookie mistakes are understandable for a young girl still learning but I’m a big girl.  I know better.  I believe in all or nothing.

This is going to sound funny coming from the person who secretly did all the things that would send a guy running for the door.  Mouthing how my name would sound with his last name added to mine.  Fantasizing about the double dates we would go on after he finally stopped hanging with his boys every Saturday night.  I enjoyed dating the wildest type of guys and trying to capture their hearts.   From high school graduation to college graduation I didn’t put a single solitary thought into love and marriage with anyone in particular. Well, except for one guy but in the end, I had to choose not to be with him until death do us part.    I felt I had lots of time, and I did.

Somehow I allowed an old friend to get in my head when she said to me “How do you expect to find the one if you don’t try to make something last?” Do you mean the one could be out there waiting for me right this instant?  The one who will listen to me and understand me and push me forth to achieve my dreams?  Let me at him!  From there on out I attempted to make every man I dated into the one.  I would not succumb to failure, failure was not an option.  I cooked their favorite meals, let them borrow my brand new car, went to their boring family reunions and listened to their sob stories.  You know, all the normal “wifey” things.  But each and every one of them fell short of my expectations of the “one”.   I find it hard now to believe in “the one”.  It seems like a fabricated combination of fairy tales and a Mary J. Blige song.  How could anyone live up to that expectation when I wasn’t even being myself?  I had adjusted to that concept and became that same fabrication!  I’m nice, but I am not that nice in real life.

They say we have the highest rate of unmarried women but for those getting married  under the age of 25 the divorce rate is at it’s highest.  I can’t be the only woman slowly approaching 30 to have come to the conclusion that maybe I’m not ready to settle down right now.  I would love to jokingly tell my girlfriends I got something ‘betta at home ‘ but I still want to pick up and go sometimes.  Hang out until all hours at concerts backstage interviewing artists.  I still love to meet new people and go on dates a few times a month.  There are some amazing women out there every day that do both and I applaud you all for your organizational abilities.  Some of us however, haven’t attained the balance yet necessary to dance toes pointed on that precipice.  I could second guess myself and say that I’m just making excuses, that deep down inside I really want a man.  I don’t need to though because I know I do want a man, just not at the expense of my rhythm.  It should be more fluid like picking out a new album.  You go to the blogs and listen to few songs then you decide to buy it and you play it all night.  Next thing you know it becomes your favorite album from your favorite artist.  You go to every concert and buy every album and never feel like you missed out on a thing because they’ve given you their all.

This all hit me one morning after looking at her precious new baby.  I realized I would love to stand deep in love and have someone stand in it just as deeply with me.  However, I couldn’t pretend to be this woman who is looking for just love from a man when really what I want is…everything.  A sense of gratification, a little bit of me time and a ride down the highway blasting my favorite new artist.  Not waiting around for the one, but knowing he’ll be there when I learn to balance.

Q.Upton